Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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