My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize