You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
