just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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