did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
