Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
third nipple confirmed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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