guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
