shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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