Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
