woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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