he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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