Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
