I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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