I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize