wakey wakey hands off snakey
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
