come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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