my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
