i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize