I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
