You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize