Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
