hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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