Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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