My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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