Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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