I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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