i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
