im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
