no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
