Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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