Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
