Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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