Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
