I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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