There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
