Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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