I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize