It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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