On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
