mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
