so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
