She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
