I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize