Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
