they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
