She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
