He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
