i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
