we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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