I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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