He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize