i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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