You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize