why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
