I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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