In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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