I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
