i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
