Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
