you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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