Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize